Food That Should be Outlawed

OK, I've held my tongue long enough (oh man, a blog about food and I lead off with that witty turn of phrase! I can't wait to see how good this is going to get.), there are certain foods that have to go. Nothing personal, but I simply can't stomach (told you this would be good!) them any longer. Someone has to take a stand and since I don't see any of you willing to put your necks out, it looks like I'll have to do the dirty work again (which I'm happy to do, but this is getting a little tiresome. Am I the only one who thinks of these things?). Mushrooms, I'm sorry, your time is up. You did an exceptional job fooling people for a long time - I mean, growing up in the woods, near trees and moss and bark and undergrowth, and then convincing people that you are some kind of delicacy instead of, well, a piece of dirt, moss and/or bark, brilliant stuff. My hat is off to you. But, you're out. First of all, you taste like the bottom of a shoe after it has taken a spin or two around a subway platform. Second, I'm sorry but you look really, really creepy. Which again is reason enough to applaud your efforts to make yourself into a delicacy, but, let's face it, if any shopper took a good look at you, from your pale grey, black, spongy exterior to your freakish shape, well, let's just say that eggplant looks good by comparison. Speaking of eggplant, sorry, you're out too, but you were probably expecting it. I mean, come on, even your name makes no sense. Eggplant?? Sorry, pack your bags and head back to wherever you grow (is there an eggplant plant? Is that redundant? Is there an eggplant tree or bush?) You can't continue to be a food if no one (well, me) knows where you come from. Yogurt? Is yogurt here? Oh yes, I see you hiding behind tuna fish - well yogurt, you're out too. Again, nice meteoric rise to the top - I mean who does your P.R. because they are downright impressive; (Actual transcript from Yogurt P.R. Meeting:) P.R. guy: "OK, what do we have to work with?" Yogurt: "Well, I am a dairy product, but I have gone rancid and I clearly taste like feet - can we work with that?" P.R. guy: "Ok, Ok, I'm thinking niche audience - probably the French, cause they'll eat anything, but let's walk through this. What can we partner you with that may broaden your appeal?" Yogurt: "Tuna fish?" P.R. guy: No, people are stupid, but they aren't that stupid." Yogurt: "Olives?, Peppers?" Tomato sauce?" P.R. guy: "Were you just in Italy or something? Can we get away from Italian food for a second? No, I'm thinking something sweet." Yogurt: "rancid, spoiling fruit?" P.R. guy: "BRILLIANT!! We will mix in rancid, rotting fruit and a slightly watery, gelatinous texture and we'll call you health food!! It can't miss!" Yogurt: "And if we throw in food coloring and a bunch of sugar, we can market it to kids!" P.R. guy: "Marge, get Jim Dannon on the phone, he's going to love this!"

Well, yogurt, it was a good run, but adios amigo, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

Tuna fish...where to begin. You are by far, the worst food on the planet. From your smell, to your packaging in cat food tins and rancid oil, to your preparation in a gallon of mayonnaise and, good God save me, HEATED in casseroles (I just threw up in my mouth just thinking of that last one), I can't imagine a worse situation. Not only should you be banned, but I will personally track down the sick individual who dared conjure your existence, and we will banish him too. If you stick to meow mix and other cat foods you may remain on the planet, but don't let me catch you in any human food situations again.

What else? Oh, beets...out. Liver, tongue, any entrails masquerading as food - hit the road. Tomato, you can stay because of your good work with salsa, but if you get stewed again, you're gone.