Entertainment Part Deux

I went to the Mall this weekend with my two younger daughters - I don't usually frequent malls, but I heard they had opened a new Chess King and I had to check out the latest fashion trends (actually, we were shopping for a birthday present and it was pouring rain, so I didn't want to get me and the kids soaked, so we opted for the covered-parking-garage Mall, rather than the 5000 square foot outdoor Toys-R-Us parking lot where the closest spot we would get on a Saturday is two spots to the left of my own driveway four miles away). Malls are an under-rated idea, don't you think? Take every cheesey store, throw them next to one another with 16 year old kids with attitudes working at each one, spice it up with ultra-fattening kiosks of glorified dog food, and voila! the most depressing place alive! (by the way, 'voila' may be spelled incorrectly - I looked it up but couldn't find it. For rant about said escapade, see two posts ago, I'm too tired to get into all that again.) But I will tell you what Malls are very useful for: entertaining two girls ages 6 and 3. How you might ask? (well, you might ask, but I kinda doubt it, but I'll tell you anyway). One word: escalators. Yes, these moving monuments to our lazy, entitled, overweight society can keep two little kids entertained for hours - and I do mean hours. I had to drag them out of the Mall after an hour and a half only after we rode each escalator in the place - ten or so, in all - about six times each. It was truly hilarious to watch them get so exited to ride up, down, one after another, running to the next one to ride again. (I mean, why did we spend all that money going to Disney World and for ski lessons - clearly Mall escalators are the true thrill-seekers' paradise). My three year old would stand at the base of one and summon up courage like she was about to bungee jump, while the six year old was practicing her jump off timing maneuver. It was ridiculously entertaining for me to watch them so entertained by something so simple (well, I suppose 'simple' is a bit of a stretch. I mean, its actually a pretty amazing invention and I have no freaking clue how they work, but everyone at the Mall must agree with me that they are pretty neat things because they get on them and just stand there, which is reason enough for me to live a quiet, weapon free existence. Because if I were armed, I may go postal on someone who gets on an escalator and just stands there instead of using them to increase the speed at which they travel. Escalator. Its in the freaking name!!! Its an escalator!!! Escalate! Cause to go faster! If you get on one of these fancy contraptions and continue to take steps, you go up faster! Moron!! But no, to most people, this is apparently not an escalator, but a personal lift valet where they can use modern technology to float them unassisted to their chosen destination. And don't get me started on those flat, escalator-like thingys in airports and such. How many times have you been at an airport comfortable ahead of your flight? Never, right? Its human nature to be rushed when flying. Whether its a late start or traffic or security lines, even if you were on-time, something made you rushed. But, when you need these flat escalators to help you make up a few precious minutes, you invariably run into a fellow traveler (the one with everything they own stuffed into one "small" carry on bag and one "small" purse) who has decided that the flat escalator is actually their personal magic carpet which they will ride leisurely to their gate. And its not like these are short trips; most of these people movers - ha! that's the phrase I was looking for, people movers - are quite lengthy. And do you know why that is? IT IS SO THAT YOU CAN COVER A LOT OF GROUND IN A SHORTER TIME FATASS!! OK, sorry about the fatass comment on this family blog, but, well, it had to be said. But, now I know why these people insist on ticking me off. they are not lazy, entitled morons; they are really just 6 and 3 year olds, who never really grew up.