Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

I had to go to New York City on business a while back, so I took the MetroNorth commuter train to and 'fro. Now, as these things go, MetroNorth is not an entirely unpleasant way to travel to NYC - the vast majority of morning commuters are quietly doing work or reading the paper and drinking coffee and, thanks to iPods, you don't even have to be annoyed by the occasional snorer or loud cellphone talker that used to drive me crazy when I commuted daily to NYC. Oh sure, there are still the constant annoyances that never go away, such as the person who finds the hour-long commute on a train to be the perfect time to cut his nails with his nail clippers. I wish I were making that up. I mean, who in their right mind thinks its a good idea to even trim one's nails in public, much less an enclosed train car?? Why don't you whip off your socks and cut your toenails while you're at it Chief? Any bellybutton lint you need to take care of? What other personal grooming can we do in such an enclosed space? Can I shave your back for ya? Or do you take care of that in the cab ride downtown? People never cease to amaze me. The other constant annoyance on MetroNorth is the bathroom. Now, granted I have never been to the slums of Calcutta or the bottom of a sewage treatment plant, but I can't imagine a more filth-ridden location on earth than the bathroom of a MetroNorth train. And, I suppose some degree of latitude is necessary here because, it is a moving, bouncing, rocking train, so no one's aim is going to be spot on, but in the first place, I was probably in utero the last time one of these bathrooms were cleaned, and my Mom was probably in utero the last time they were cleaned with soap and/or detergent. And secondly, some train riders (I'd wager they are guys, but I have no scientific proof) seem to take great pleasure in "going" on anything in the bathroom except the toilet. It is quite the little adventure to try to go to the bathroom on a moving train without touching anything.

And speaking of bathrooms, when I was waiting for my train to leave the city, I actually used the bathroom in Grand Central Station so I wouldn't have to use the one on the train. Now, for you non-New Yorkers, this little Hobson's Choice is like deciding between a colonoscopy or a kick to the groin, because, after all, public + bathroom + New York City = big yuckies. But I had to laugh when I went into the bathroom because there is a big sign that says (and I quote): "No loitering" (thanks goodness that sentence is part of the sign, otherwise I may linger in the Grand Central men's room for hours - the smell of b.o. and stale urine being my most favorite of all aromas); "No panhandling" ("Uh, sorry I can't get to my change right now sir but my hands are kind of otherwise occupado right now"); "No bathing" (which, you know, thank God that was there because after a day in the City I was feeling like I needed to strip down and rinse off before getting on the train). And obviously I know why the sign is there - for the poor homeless souls who might not have somewhere else to go, but is the sign really necessary? Because, if you're not homeless, chances are you aren't going to be doing any of those things, but if you are homeless, I'm pretty sure a sign isn't much of a deterrent. But, what do I know, because not a week later I am in a men's room at a rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike and there is a man washing his feet in the sink. I really wish I were making that up because I now have to go get hypnotized to try to burn that little image from my brain. So, maybe the NJ Turnpike people need to find out who made Grand Central that sign.