Do you go to the movies?

I am a movie lover. With three kids, we hardly ever actually go to the movies anymore but with 1800 channels on our cable system now, plus pay-per-view, Netflicks, and a DVR (digital video recorder for the uninformed - kind of a built in TiVo. And if you don't know what TiVo is, well, I don't know what to tell you), we can have our choice of movies right at home. In fact, I'm pretty sure going to the movies will soon go the way of the drive-in. I still manage to see every movie I want to, and I don't have to take out a home equity loan for two tickets, a medium popcorn and two bottles of water. (But, I really need to buy a fake movie theatre butter machine, because that is the only reason to go to the movies in a theatre anymore. A few pumps of that stuff and you have enough processed fat and chemicals to kill a horse and, of course, you need the equivalent of two Bounty rolls of napkins to get the grease off of your hands, and most of it sticks to the first few handfuls of popcorn on the top, so eating those couple of handfuls is like cramming a butter-soaked sponge into your mouth, while the rest of the bag tastes like chalk and sand balls because its been sitting in the popcorn-display-window-thingy since the first Jaws movie came out, but I defy you to find me something quite so delicious. But I digress.) Nor do I have to listen to five cell phone conversations as I try to watch the movie. Or stand up nine times because the idiot in the middle of the row feels the need to leave the theatre every five seconds. Or miss a key part of the movie because idiot #2 can't remember where he was sitting and stands in the aisle (right in my line of sight) for twenty minutes while he looks around. Or, the newborn the idiot couple (we'll call them #3 and #4 and give the kid a pass) brought asleep in a car seat baby bucket decides to wake up and scream (and idiots 3 and 4 are somehow shocked by this). Or if (read: when) my lovely wife (if you think for one second I'm calling her an idiot, you haven't been paying attention) has a question about the plot, I can pause the movie so we can chat while not missing any of the action. Yes, watching at home is a much more enjoyable experience. And I used to lament not seeing the next big blockbuster right away, so as not to be behind the times or out of the loop on the next great movie discussion, but I have found that pretty much all of our friends have young kids and they are in the same boat as we are. In fact, just last weekend we were talking about "Knocked Up" (very, very funny by the way), and all of us were talking about it as if the movie had just come out. But, it had been in the movie theatre six months before - we were only talking about it now because it was finally on cable, so we all finally saw it. So, if you can deal with the six month lag (and the aforementioned lack of movie popcorn butter, watching movies at home is quite a pleasant experience. The only downside to at home is finding the time to watch.

Fortunately for me, I don't sleep much. Actually, that is rather problematic because I love sleep, or, at least I used to love sleep when I got it. In college - once we were Juniors and had some schedule flexibility - my roommate Mark and I would schedule all of our classes in the afternoon just so we could go out late, and sleep in, and still make all (and by all, I mean, of course most. and by most, of course I mean many. and by many, of course I mean some.) of our classes. The other guys in our apartment started calling our room the Bat Cave because we were rarely seen before noon. And it was great, but I wish I could have seen myself 20 years later (I can't believe I was in college 20 years ago, but that is a whole other column) because I would have soaked it up and enjoyed that sleep so much more. Because once you have a job and kids, the very first thing to go is sleep and, near as I can tell, you never get it back.

I am very jealous of a person who can pop right up in the morning, wide awake, ready to tackle the day. I am not that person. If it were up to me, the day would start at, oh, 11:30ish. This lack of sleep is made worse (compounded, if you will) by the fact that I have always been a night owl. I have no problem at all staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning, even if I have to drag myself out of bed at 7:30 the next morning. And its not like I have a choice - I cannot for the life of me fall asleep until 11:30-midnight even if I turned off the light and went into complete shutdown mode. I used to do this and it would compound (exacerbate, if you will) the problem because I would toss and turn and watch the time tick by wondering when I would fall asleep. So, finally, I gave up and just went with the fact that I am a night owl; that's just how I'm wired.

But, one of the advantages to being a night owl is the chance to watch a good movie - and trust me, there is always a good, cheesy, or bad but so bad its good movie somewhere on tv (I think its a law). Last night, for example, I saw Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid which happens to be one of the top 10 greatest movies of all time (along with the two Godfather movies - yes, there are only two, despite what you may have seen or heard, Caddyshack, Animal House, The Quiet Man, the Indiana Jones trilogy, The Sting, any James Bond film and the Star Wars movies. OK, some of the 10 have more than one film in the series, but you get the idea.) And what's great is I can't go five days without one of these movies being shown somewhere, especially Star Wars lately.

I have been on a Star Wars roll the last six months and I'm such a junkie, I can't turn them off no matter how often I've seen them. Maybe it has something to do with the Force as a concept that fascinates me. These guys are using a mystical power to move objects, knock people/things down, speak to the dead (or at least the no-longer-with-us-but-glowing-apparition-guys). Do you remember that scene in the first (well, third, well, original) Star Wars movie when Obi Wan is speaking to Luke from beyond the grave or wherever he is? (actually, you are probably not a geek, so you likely do not remember it) Anyway, Obi Wan is telling Luke to "trust his feelings" and "use the Force". Meanwhile, he's been "dead" for days, so this is a pretty neat trick - and Obi Wan showed remarkable restraint waiting so long to speak to Luke. If I had the powers of the Force, I'd be waaay to tempted to constantly interrupt people's lives. [At the deli counter just before ordering] "Luke, have the ham and cheese, the roast beef isn't good today." [On the highway] "Luke, take the Merritt Parkway, there's an accident on 95." [On the golf course] "Luke, there's a little wind up here, I'd hit the five iron." Do you think there is an on/off switch for this sort of conversation, because it would probably get pretty annoying after a while to have some old dead guy giving you advice from the great beyond: "Paul, its 1:30 in the morning, go to sleep already."