Parent Things

I am not a big fan of "lists" articles. You see them every year, usually around the end of the year - "Best Movies of 2006", "Worst Dressed of 2006", "Most Annoying Lists of 2006". Real writiers must get giddy at the end of the year, knowing that they have two or three mail-it-in columns locked up. And women's magazines are the worst - not that I read women's magazines or anything, I mean, that Cosmo was just sitting there in the dentist's office and I had already read the Sports Illustrated from 1996 that was sitting next to it. Is it my fault that the dentist offers no current reading materials? Anyhoo, women's magazines love to hit you with these dim-witted articles "22 Fashion tips for Summer", "30 Easy makeover Tips", "10 Ways to Make Him Hot" (actually, Kat, please feel free to skim that last article), and they all utilize the cheap list gimmick so they don't have to engage in any meaningful discussion or analysis. Boy that annoys me.

But, on an entirely differnt topic, here is my list of 7 Things I Can Remove from Car Carpet/Upholstery Since I Became a Parent:

1. Sand. Please, a rookie can get sand out of carpeting, but it is mentioned here only because after a week-long beach vacation with three children, plus beach toys, chairs, towels and coolers, the amount of sand that ends up in your car can rival certain small deserts. A nice vaccuming will do the trick - time: 10-15 minutes. Or for the more patient, you can pick each grain up by hand - time: 50-60 years, depending on amount and area of dispersal.
2. Chocolate. Ups the degree of difficulty a bit because of the stain and sticky potential, but a wipe with a wet cloth should do the trick, followed by a little scrubbing to make sure a stain doesn't set - time: 10 minutes.
3. Beverages. Water. Ignore, it will dry. Clear liquids. See: Water. Milk, baby formula. Underrated because of potential for lingering spoiled milk smell - hit it with scrub brush and lemon scented industrial cleaner asap. Soda, juice boxes, chocolate milk. Has RST potential (see below), so must be dealt with quickly. Soapy warm water and a good scrubbing. Time: 10-15 minutes.
4. Random sticky things. The next step up from chocolate, RSTs (random sticky things) can be tough because, a) you might not be able to identify the RST, and b) RSTs tend to draw other foreign objects to themselves like some sort of sugar gravitational pull. So what starts out as an RST will, if not quickly discovered, become an embedded RST- hair-filled-sand crusted-dirt globbed-small-annoying-plastic-birthday-party-favor-giveaway-toy-pile of yuck that can require a good deal of effort to remove. Tough to offer cleaning solutions because RSTs can vary greatly, but tools you will need will include a putty knife or other flat scraping tool, a hard scrub brush, soapy water, cold beer (or beers depending on how long this takes and how frustrated you are), and a vasectomy (because you will swear a blue streak and vow to have no more children while you try to get a f@#&ingly stubborn RST out of the carpet of your brand
F%$#ing new SUV!!). Time: 30 minutes to 1 hour, and a piece of your soul.
5. Vomit. Which is not easy to remove. Well, let me rephrase, the vomit is easy to remove, the smell is not. You can hit the carpet/upholstery with everything from soap and water to a sand blaster, but the first thing you notice when you get back in the car is that smell. Oh, that smell. The single hardest removal as a parent. I, personally, go with paper towels, followed by a shop-vaccing, followed by fifteen minutes of dry heaves while you try not to throw up yourself, followed by a lemon-scented industrial cleaner and a heavy scrub brush, followed by another bout of dry heaves, followed by another shop-vaccing. If you're lucky enough, you'll never have to face the dreaded daily double, where one child throwing up induces a second child to do likewise - the Titanic of car trips. Time: 45 minutes to one hour for a single; 3 hours at a professional car wash for the Daily Double.
6. Dog Poop. Since we don't have a dog, this little present is transported onto our carpet by little shoes, with the added bonus that it is a "trail of tears" rather than an isolated location, and gets ground into the carpet by said little shoes. Tools you will need include large rubber gloves, surgical mask, clothes you don't mind burning immediately afterward, lots and lots of beer and lemon-scented industrial cleaner and a good scrub brush. Time: 1 hour to clean car, one day to recover.
7. Human Poop (hopefully this involves a faulty baby diaper or potty training toddler. If it involves someone other than these two, may God have mercy on you.) See above removal of Dog Poop, but add: hysterical crying (baby or toddler), quiet sobbing (you). This is truly the worst of all possible situations because not only do you have a carpet and/or car seat and/or upholstery to clean up, you have a small human to clean up as well. And since you don't have an extra set of clothes because your wife ditched the diaper bag in favor of a single diaper and pack of wipes because she has enough to carry and besides carrying last year's black diaper bag isn't cool because everyone is carrying Vineyard Vines diaper bags and your monogramed one hasn't been delivered yet (hypothetically), well you're screwed, aren't you? Time: approx 1 year of therapy.