With the Academy Awards and Grammy's upon us, and the Golden Globes and SAG awards just behind us, I thought it appropriate to add my two cents on award shows in general. And, your faithful blogger has the inside scoop because although I could give a flaming you-know-what about these shows, my wife sees those dates as somewhere just south of her birthday and just north of our wedding anniversary in terms of important events in her life. If I even suggest that we watch something else or - God forbid - be out of the house on the date and time that these shows air, she looks at me with the same shocked expression as if I suggested we sell one of our kids. (Note: That conversation, of course, never happened. Well, I might have gently suggested it one time, but it was a vague reference and I got right off the subject when I saw it wasn't going anywhere. I mean, I would NEVER sell one of my kids and I'm shocked, SHOCKED that you would even think I would.... But just so we nail this down once and for all, in fairness I did get a very good offer for one of them and we really can use a nice wall-mounted flat screen tv so that we can watch important television like...The Academy Awards! See how that all dovetails nicely? Man, I can weave a story - you never saw that coming for a minute before - BAM! - its right there, tied up in a nice little bow. But I digress.)
If the Academy Awards show is the "Super Bowl for Women", then the Golden Globes, Emmys, SAG Awards, people's Choice Awards and, to a lesser extent, the Grammys are the Playoffs for Women" (personally, I prefer the Grammys for three reasons: 1. because of the great music you can hear/watch performed, 2. because the female music stars and the wives/girlfriends of male music stars are not afraid to slut it up a little wardrobe-wise in a way that would make an academy award-nominated actress throw up her quarter tablespoon of rice cake dinner, and 3. the music stars who don't fit into the previous category can be counted on to set a new bar on the comedy scale for the outfits they wear - from lavender tuxedos to hardcore rock outfits to headwear and clothing a New York socialite wouldn't put on her poodle. I'm telling you, its the gift that keeps on giving. Second place would be the Golden Globes because they don't seems to take themselves too seriously, they get right to the awards, and there is drinking at the table, so you have a very good chance to someone saying something funny, stupid, or controversial - paging Dr. Washington, Dr. Isaiah Washington.)
And, jumping back to my Superbowl analogy, the parallels of sports to award shows are amazingly similar - with so many channels on cable now, all of the entertainment channels have a pre-game show - interviews with the stars as they get ready, interviews with stars in their limos as they wait their turn to hit the red carpet, interviews with the stars as they get their botox injections, silicone implant adjustments, spray-on tans, pre-dress fitting vomit sessions, smile and wave practice, posing and pouty-lips-look practice, I'm-too-cool-to-care-look practice, oh-shit-I-didn't-win-and-that-bitch-did-but-the-camera-might-be-on-me-so-I-have-to-look-gracious-and-thrilled-that-someone-I-hate-won-look practice. And in addition to star interviews, we are now treated to teams of 'analysts' - from fashion people, to film critics, to talking heads of the entertainment world, who offer criticisms, witticisms (and I use that term loosely - hell, I'm not even sure I spelled it correctly, so we're talking very loosely), and predictions about how the night will go. So, you have a big event, several competing pregame shows, interviews, analysts, odds makers, post game shows, and the follow up magazine blitz - all you are missing is a ball of some sort and you could be talking about sports. I think we have to take this to the next level and start to market Hollywood trading cards and Hollywood video games, and instead of buying the jersey of your favorite teams, you could buy faux-Vera Wang, size zero gowns with the names of your favorite stars emblazoned on the back (unless it is a backless gown, then I don't know what we'll do - damn this is falling apart already!). Oh well, enjoy the shows!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Parent Things
I am not a big fan of "lists" articles. You see them every year, usually around the end of the year - "Best Movies of 2006", "Worst Dressed of 2006", "Most Annoying Lists of 2006". Real writiers must get giddy at the end of the year, knowing that they have two or three mail-it-in columns locked up. And women's magazines are the worst - not that I read women's magazines or anything, I mean, that Cosmo was just sitting there in the dentist's office and I had already read the Sports Illustrated from 1996 that was sitting next to it. Is it my fault that the dentist offers no current reading materials? Anyhoo, women's magazines love to hit you with these dim-witted articles "22 Fashion tips for Summer", "30 Easy makeover Tips", "10 Ways to Make Him Hot" (actually, Kat, please feel free to skim that last article), and they all utilize the cheap list gimmick so they don't have to engage in any meaningful discussion or analysis. Boy that annoys me.
But, on an entirely differnt topic, here is my list of 7 Things I Can Remove from Car Carpet/Upholstery Since I Became a Parent:
1. Sand. Please, a rookie can get sand out of carpeting, but it is mentioned here only because after a week-long beach vacation with three children, plus beach toys, chairs, towels and coolers, the amount of sand that ends up in your car can rival certain small deserts. A nice vaccuming will do the trick - time: 10-15 minutes. Or for the more patient, you can pick each grain up by hand - time: 50-60 years, depending on amount and area of dispersal.
2. Chocolate. Ups the degree of difficulty a bit because of the stain and sticky potential, but a wipe with a wet cloth should do the trick, followed by a little scrubbing to make sure a stain doesn't set - time: 10 minutes.
3. Beverages. Water. Ignore, it will dry. Clear liquids. See: Water. Milk, baby formula. Underrated because of potential for lingering spoiled milk smell - hit it with scrub brush and lemon scented industrial cleaner asap. Soda, juice boxes, chocolate milk. Has RST potential (see below), so must be dealt with quickly. Soapy warm water and a good scrubbing. Time: 10-15 minutes.
4. Random sticky things. The next step up from chocolate, RSTs (random sticky things) can be tough because, a) you might not be able to identify the RST, and b) RSTs tend to draw other foreign objects to themselves like some sort of sugar gravitational pull. So what starts out as an RST will, if not quickly discovered, become an embedded RST- hair-filled-sand crusted-dirt globbed-small-annoying-plastic-birthday-party-favor-giveaway-toy-pile of yuck that can require a good deal of effort to remove. Tough to offer cleaning solutions because RSTs can vary greatly, but tools you will need will include a putty knife or other flat scraping tool, a hard scrub brush, soapy water, cold beer (or beers depending on how long this takes and how frustrated you are), and a vasectomy (because you will swear a blue streak and vow to have no more children while you try to get a f@#&ingly stubborn RST out of the carpet of your brand
F%$#ing new SUV!!). Time: 30 minutes to 1 hour, and a piece of your soul.
5. Vomit. Which is not easy to remove. Well, let me rephrase, the vomit is easy to remove, the smell is not. You can hit the carpet/upholstery with everything from soap and water to a sand blaster, but the first thing you notice when you get back in the car is that smell. Oh, that smell. The single hardest removal as a parent. I, personally, go with paper towels, followed by a shop-vaccing, followed by fifteen minutes of dry heaves while you try not to throw up yourself, followed by a lemon-scented industrial cleaner and a heavy scrub brush, followed by another bout of dry heaves, followed by another shop-vaccing. If you're lucky enough, you'll never have to face the dreaded daily double, where one child throwing up induces a second child to do likewise - the Titanic of car trips. Time: 45 minutes to one hour for a single; 3 hours at a professional car wash for the Daily Double.
6. Dog Poop. Since we don't have a dog, this little present is transported onto our carpet by little shoes, with the added bonus that it is a "trail of tears" rather than an isolated location, and gets ground into the carpet by said little shoes. Tools you will need include large rubber gloves, surgical mask, clothes you don't mind burning immediately afterward, lots and lots of beer and lemon-scented industrial cleaner and a good scrub brush. Time: 1 hour to clean car, one day to recover.
7. Human Poop (hopefully this involves a faulty baby diaper or potty training toddler. If it involves someone other than these two, may God have mercy on you.) See above removal of Dog Poop, but add: hysterical crying (baby or toddler), quiet sobbing (you). This is truly the worst of all possible situations because not only do you have a carpet and/or car seat and/or upholstery to clean up, you have a small human to clean up as well. And since you don't have an extra set of clothes because your wife ditched the diaper bag in favor of a single diaper and pack of wipes because she has enough to carry and besides carrying last year's black diaper bag isn't cool because everyone is carrying Vineyard Vines diaper bags and your monogramed one hasn't been delivered yet (hypothetically), well you're screwed, aren't you? Time: approx 1 year of therapy.
But, on an entirely differnt topic, here is my list of 7 Things I Can Remove from Car Carpet/Upholstery Since I Became a Parent:
1. Sand. Please, a rookie can get sand out of carpeting, but it is mentioned here only because after a week-long beach vacation with three children, plus beach toys, chairs, towels and coolers, the amount of sand that ends up in your car can rival certain small deserts. A nice vaccuming will do the trick - time: 10-15 minutes. Or for the more patient, you can pick each grain up by hand - time: 50-60 years, depending on amount and area of dispersal.
2. Chocolate. Ups the degree of difficulty a bit because of the stain and sticky potential, but a wipe with a wet cloth should do the trick, followed by a little scrubbing to make sure a stain doesn't set - time: 10 minutes.
3. Beverages. Water. Ignore, it will dry. Clear liquids. See: Water. Milk, baby formula. Underrated because of potential for lingering spoiled milk smell - hit it with scrub brush and lemon scented industrial cleaner asap. Soda, juice boxes, chocolate milk. Has RST potential (see below), so must be dealt with quickly. Soapy warm water and a good scrubbing. Time: 10-15 minutes.
4. Random sticky things. The next step up from chocolate, RSTs (random sticky things) can be tough because, a) you might not be able to identify the RST, and b) RSTs tend to draw other foreign objects to themselves like some sort of sugar gravitational pull. So what starts out as an RST will, if not quickly discovered, become an embedded RST- hair-filled-sand crusted-dirt globbed-small-annoying-plastic-birthday-party-favor-giveaway-toy-pile of yuck that can require a good deal of effort to remove. Tough to offer cleaning solutions because RSTs can vary greatly, but tools you will need will include a putty knife or other flat scraping tool, a hard scrub brush, soapy water, cold beer (or beers depending on how long this takes and how frustrated you are), and a vasectomy (because you will swear a blue streak and vow to have no more children while you try to get a f@#&ingly stubborn RST out of the carpet of your brand
F%$#ing new SUV!!). Time: 30 minutes to 1 hour, and a piece of your soul.
5. Vomit. Which is not easy to remove. Well, let me rephrase, the vomit is easy to remove, the smell is not. You can hit the carpet/upholstery with everything from soap and water to a sand blaster, but the first thing you notice when you get back in the car is that smell. Oh, that smell. The single hardest removal as a parent. I, personally, go with paper towels, followed by a shop-vaccing, followed by fifteen minutes of dry heaves while you try not to throw up yourself, followed by a lemon-scented industrial cleaner and a heavy scrub brush, followed by another bout of dry heaves, followed by another shop-vaccing. If you're lucky enough, you'll never have to face the dreaded daily double, where one child throwing up induces a second child to do likewise - the Titanic of car trips. Time: 45 minutes to one hour for a single; 3 hours at a professional car wash for the Daily Double.
6. Dog Poop. Since we don't have a dog, this little present is transported onto our carpet by little shoes, with the added bonus that it is a "trail of tears" rather than an isolated location, and gets ground into the carpet by said little shoes. Tools you will need include large rubber gloves, surgical mask, clothes you don't mind burning immediately afterward, lots and lots of beer and lemon-scented industrial cleaner and a good scrub brush. Time: 1 hour to clean car, one day to recover.
7. Human Poop (hopefully this involves a faulty baby diaper or potty training toddler. If it involves someone other than these two, may God have mercy on you.) See above removal of Dog Poop, but add: hysterical crying (baby or toddler), quiet sobbing (you). This is truly the worst of all possible situations because not only do you have a carpet and/or car seat and/or upholstery to clean up, you have a small human to clean up as well. And since you don't have an extra set of clothes because your wife ditched the diaper bag in favor of a single diaper and pack of wipes because she has enough to carry and besides carrying last year's black diaper bag isn't cool because everyone is carrying Vineyard Vines diaper bags and your monogramed one hasn't been delivered yet (hypothetically), well you're screwed, aren't you? Time: approx 1 year of therapy.
Happy New Year
OK people (person?), sorry about the lack of posts for the last couple of weeks - holidays you know. Besides, I figured that the few of you who are reading this had plenty to read for a while, catching up with the old Christmas Letters. Speaking of Christmas cards (what an amusingly average segue!), until this weekend when we did our Christmas decorations purge, we had approximately 7,000 photo Christmas cards decorating our living room. I'm quite certain that every single family we know sent us a picture card this year - or at the very least a card with a photo inside. Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not complaining. In fact, I love receiving those cards, and as many of you know, we send them out ourselves. But, two things always came to mind as I read the cards this year: first, I have no idea who these people are (more on that later) and second, that all of our friends are obviously hiring blond-haired, blue-eyed, J-Crew kid models for their family photos. As to the first point, I have a running battle (well, "battle" is a tad strong, let's go with "debate" or "discussion", after all, we're not exactly talking about missle reduction treaties here, are we? Actually, for all you know, we might be. Since I haven't written and, hence you haven't yet read, the rest of this blog, you have no idea what we're talking about here, do you? Feeling pretty uniformed, I'll bet. Maybe, just maybe mind you, I am smart enough to spin a seemingly innocuous topic like Christmas card letters into a discussion of anti-nuclear weapon proliferation treaties. Wouldn't you be impressed then? Well, it turns out I'm not that smart. Or maybe I am that smart but I can't imagine getting into a discussion about - never mind blogging about - nuclear arms treaties.... No, I was right the first time, I'm just not that smart. Anyhoo...let's go with "discussion") with my wife about whether we (she and I) should appear in our Christmas card photo, or should it just be the kids. Well, anyone who knows me, knows that not for a second would I entertain the notion of not appearing in our Christmas card (Wow, that was a tremendous amount of double-negatives there. In fact, it is not unlikely that we may or may not have set some sort of unofficial record. Yay us!) Well, more to the point, my ego would not allow it. And, if you've never met my ego, well, you don't want to get on his bad side. After all, this is the same ego that is dying to tell you that I won my fantasy football league for the second year in a row, but I am not going to mention that here for fear of the uber-geek social consequences of being a blogger and a fantasy football player. In fact, I'm probably one or two small steps away from uber-geekdom as it is, so if you see me attempting to play Second Life please beat me sensless. (By the way, Second Life is the Aughts equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons. Have you heard about this? Basically, you go online and create - or join - a virtual world, your second life. And you "live" in this world to the point where you buy property, start virtual families, and have a virtual carrer. I read a news report a while ago where a "person" became the first virtual millionaire. I think I just virtually threw up. Raise your hand if you have enough trouble maintaining your hold on one life without needing a virtual one. If I had virtual kids whining at me as well as my actual kids, I may go virtually postal). OK, I'm so far gone now I have no idea what I was talking about. Oh yeah, the Christmas photo. So, I used to think it was just my outsized ego that kept me in the Christmas card every year, but I now realize that there is a second, more important reason: I have a house full of cards with adorable kids on the cover and I have no idea who they are. Seriously, every Christams card in our house contain adorable, blue-eyed, blond-haired, compleltely anonymous kids. Now, whether or not there are any ugly kids is an existential discussion on the innocence of youth and inner beauty that I am not prepared to engage in at this time (but, yes, there are ugly kids - where do you think ugly adults come from?). But suffice it to say, it seems that every family we receive a card from has stunningly beautiful kids. I am convinced they are J-Crew kid models that are available for downloading on some website to facilitate Christmas card writing. Step one, download happy looking blue-eyed blond kids sitting on a beach. Step two, complete the greeting with one of the following "Happy Holidays from (choices: Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, Cape Cod, Block Island, Montauk, the Hamptons, Hilton Head, Florida, the Carribean or the French Riviera) and best wishes in the New Year!" And even if I vaguely recognize the one of the kids, the likelihood that I can put a first or last name on them is about the same as an intelligent discussion on anti-nuclear proliferation treaties on this blog. And, until this year, I felt alone in this view. But lately, there has been a groundswell of support for my position such that I think the tables are about to turn. So, I keep hope alive that this time next year minus three weeks I can open a card and remark, "oh, theres Gunther and Midge and there adorable kids, Grosean, Flower and Pancake.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Erratum
Those of you astute enough to notice (or still awake) might have picked up on an alleged error in Christmas Letter 2006 - when I wished everyone a safe, healthy and happy 2006 (not 2007). Well, this was not an error at all, it was a reflection on my commitment. You see, its a lot of pressure to wish everyone who reads the Letter a safe and healthy 2007 - that is alot of people multiplied by alot of days, and I just don't think I can pull it off anymore - I'm worn out. So I figured, if people get my letter the week before Christmas and I wish them a safe, healthy and happy 2006, I'm only on the hook for like ten more days. That is a much more manageable figure to deal with - and you know, we can take 2007 a day at a time, see how it goes...
Christmas Letter 2006
Hello and welcome to Christmas Letter (“The Letter”) 2006! Warning, some material may not be suitable for all audiences. Ok, well, that’s not really accurate, but based on our focus groups, people who read The Letter aloud to their cats found that the cats immediately started hyperventilating and banging their heads against the wall. This drove cat lovers crazy, but not nearly as crazy as when cat haters found out and began going house to house reading The Letter aloud – caroling style – at houses where cats were known to reside. So now I’m forced to issue this warning. And while we’re at it, since I’m sick of all these lawsuits associated with The Letter, please note the following: The Letter should not be used as a flotation device, worn as a fire-retardant garment, or ingested. You can not fly unassisted while reading The Letter, nor lift four times your body weight. You should not operate heavy machinery while reading The Letter, and anyone who experiences any of the following symptoms following reading The Letter should consult a physician (or holistic healer, shaman, witch doctor, or toll booth operator) immediately: depression, euphoria, runny nose, runny ears, runny hair, back ache, head ache, stomach ache, heart ache, God complex, incontinence, TBTS (throbbing big toe syndrome) or Shingles. Nausea, however, is a known side effect and, quite frankly, fairly common. OK, with that out of the way, we can get to work. The 2005 Curtin Quiz went quite well, so here are your bonus questions:
1. 2006 has been a great year for Emma (now 7 and a half) because she: a) hasn’t been adopted by Madonna yet.; b) is as cute as ever and growing by leaps and bounds (and waaaay too fast); c) continues to be very active in soccer, skiing, Irish step dancing (she was just moved up into a group of older girls – I mean, can Riverdance be far behind?), and theatre (this year’s production was The Trolls and I don’t wish to brag, but the entire crowd could be heard whispering, “Who is that troll in the back row next to the forty other trolls in the back row, she’s really carrying the show!”).
2. Our Julia is: a) a precocious Kindergartner who absolutely loves school; b) a dancer extraordinaire because she has added Irish step dancing to her staple ballet class; c) an art project, drawing, painting, paper macheing, gluing, pasting, coloring, scissor-cutting, dollhouse building, light construction project managing fiend who has produced so much artwork the past year that the pile has joined the Great Wall of China as man-made things you can see from space.
3. Annie, our two and a half year old: a) is so verbal and smart that she is actually somehow turned five years old while we weren’t paying attention; b) never goes anywhere without her pillow and blanket and emergency backup blanket; c) says at least three things a day that have us belly laughing (including my personal favorite a few days ago when Emma and Julia were running to Kat arguing and crying, Annie looked at me and said, “jeez Daddy, everyone is freaking out!”); D) stubbornly insists on growing up despite our best efforts to keep her “our baby”.
4. Our Fish, Al the First (author of The Curtin Christmas Letter 2004): a) caught the last train for the coast when his Christmas Letter was optioned into a movie deal; b) is fronting a reggae band, ‘Big Al and the Guppies of Freedom’; c) miraculously turned from dark blue to red and is living a quiet existence in the fishbowl on our kitchen counter; or d) has gone to the great fishbowl in the sky, but because Emma is so sensitive and Daddy didn’t want to face up to his fatherly responsibilities, he made the unfortunate decision to try to get rid of the body and replace Al with a new fish (Pope Al the Second) and fool Emma into thinking that it was the same fish but at the pet store all the water is tinted dark blue, so he actually grabbed a red fish, but didn’t know it until the new fish was in the tank and Emma immediately saw it and started crying because she thought Al was sick and going to die (staggering irony there), so Daddy had to convince her that Al had just changed colors and is living peacefully in his bowl on the counter, which after 30 or so minutes of uncontrolled wailing, he was finally able to do due to the two specs of blue that (thankfully) exist on Al II’s fin. Note: If you see Emma on a regular basis, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS c)!
5. My wife Kat is: a) a retail clothing magnate; b) a finalist for the head football coaching job at Boston College; c) a limousine service for the Curtin girls; d) still crazy after all these years; e) as beautiful and wonderful as the day we were married; (by the way who else is singing Paul Simon right now?)
6. Kat and I celebrated our tenth anniversary: a) blind drunk in the basement wondering where it all went wrong; b) in an emergency room where I was treated for a massive head wound for making the previous joke in front of my beautiful wife; c) with a tremendous trip to Real Del Mar on the west coast of Mexico with our dear friends Ash and Jim Ford in a place so fantastically amazing that I still can’t believe we were there. (And a special shout out to Ashley’s Mom, a longtime secondary reader of The Letter) (And, as a special bonus parenthetical, Jim recently took me golfing at Pine Valley, so if you’re wondering who the Curtin Friends of the Year award goes to for 2006, well, the polls are now closed and we are projecting a winner).
7. I started a blog at http://pscurtin.blogspot.com/ because: a) I always wanted to be an astronaut and the “blogosphere” seems about as close as I’ll get; b) I want to annoy you with this inane banter more than once a year; c) I wanted to write more and this seemed like a better option than bathroom walls; d) I am an idiot. (but check it out if you want – the old Christmas Letters will be there as well as new posts every week or so.
8. We want to wish you a happy holiday season and blessed 2007 because: a) it seems more appropriate than Happy St. Patrick’s Day; b) we are contractually obligated to do so; c) you are among the people we love, like or tolerate – for now. HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND A SAFE, HEALTHY 2006!
1. 2006 has been a great year for Emma (now 7 and a half) because she: a) hasn’t been adopted by Madonna yet.; b) is as cute as ever and growing by leaps and bounds (and waaaay too fast); c) continues to be very active in soccer, skiing, Irish step dancing (she was just moved up into a group of older girls – I mean, can Riverdance be far behind?), and theatre (this year’s production was The Trolls and I don’t wish to brag, but the entire crowd could be heard whispering, “Who is that troll in the back row next to the forty other trolls in the back row, she’s really carrying the show!”).
2. Our Julia is: a) a precocious Kindergartner who absolutely loves school; b) a dancer extraordinaire because she has added Irish step dancing to her staple ballet class; c) an art project, drawing, painting, paper macheing, gluing, pasting, coloring, scissor-cutting, dollhouse building, light construction project managing fiend who has produced so much artwork the past year that the pile has joined the Great Wall of China as man-made things you can see from space.
3. Annie, our two and a half year old: a) is so verbal and smart that she is actually somehow turned five years old while we weren’t paying attention; b) never goes anywhere without her pillow and blanket and emergency backup blanket; c) says at least three things a day that have us belly laughing (including my personal favorite a few days ago when Emma and Julia were running to Kat arguing and crying, Annie looked at me and said, “jeez Daddy, everyone is freaking out!”); D) stubbornly insists on growing up despite our best efforts to keep her “our baby”.
4. Our Fish, Al the First (author of The Curtin Christmas Letter 2004): a) caught the last train for the coast when his Christmas Letter was optioned into a movie deal; b) is fronting a reggae band, ‘Big Al and the Guppies of Freedom’; c) miraculously turned from dark blue to red and is living a quiet existence in the fishbowl on our kitchen counter; or d) has gone to the great fishbowl in the sky, but because Emma is so sensitive and Daddy didn’t want to face up to his fatherly responsibilities, he made the unfortunate decision to try to get rid of the body and replace Al with a new fish (Pope Al the Second) and fool Emma into thinking that it was the same fish but at the pet store all the water is tinted dark blue, so he actually grabbed a red fish, but didn’t know it until the new fish was in the tank and Emma immediately saw it and started crying because she thought Al was sick and going to die (staggering irony there), so Daddy had to convince her that Al had just changed colors and is living peacefully in his bowl on the counter, which after 30 or so minutes of uncontrolled wailing, he was finally able to do due to the two specs of blue that (thankfully) exist on Al II’s fin. Note: If you see Emma on a regular basis, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS c)!
5. My wife Kat is: a) a retail clothing magnate; b) a finalist for the head football coaching job at Boston College; c) a limousine service for the Curtin girls; d) still crazy after all these years; e) as beautiful and wonderful as the day we were married; (by the way who else is singing Paul Simon right now?)
6. Kat and I celebrated our tenth anniversary: a) blind drunk in the basement wondering where it all went wrong; b) in an emergency room where I was treated for a massive head wound for making the previous joke in front of my beautiful wife; c) with a tremendous trip to Real Del Mar on the west coast of Mexico with our dear friends Ash and Jim Ford in a place so fantastically amazing that I still can’t believe we were there. (And a special shout out to Ashley’s Mom, a longtime secondary reader of The Letter) (And, as a special bonus parenthetical, Jim recently took me golfing at Pine Valley, so if you’re wondering who the Curtin Friends of the Year award goes to for 2006, well, the polls are now closed and we are projecting a winner).
7. I started a blog at http://pscurtin.blogspot.com/ because: a) I always wanted to be an astronaut and the “blogosphere” seems about as close as I’ll get; b) I want to annoy you with this inane banter more than once a year; c) I wanted to write more and this seemed like a better option than bathroom walls; d) I am an idiot. (but check it out if you want – the old Christmas Letters will be there as well as new posts every week or so.
8. We want to wish you a happy holiday season and blessed 2007 because: a) it seems more appropriate than Happy St. Patrick’s Day; b) we are contractually obligated to do so; c) you are among the people we love, like or tolerate – for now. HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND A SAFE, HEALTHY 2006!
Christmas Letter 2001
Traditionally, my interest in reading Holiday Letters (hereinafter the "Letter") usually wanes about page 3 and it usually involves the phrase, "then on January 16th, we got the kids up at 5:00am sharp for Mandarin Chinese lessons before school; Billy is only five years old, but he has already translated Sun Tzu's The Art of War into Old English." However, at the risk of becoming that which I fear, I have decided to embark on a Letter journey of my own because I am finding that a year goes by so fast and its hard to keep close contact with those we like, love and tolerate. So here is my first crack at a Letter, subject to three important caveats: 1. I will spare you from the minute-by-minute account of the Curtin Life and merely hit you with the highlights; 2. I will be mercifully brief (one page, normal font); and 3. hopefully, I will make you laugh. (Author's note: Please note the presence of several exclamation points placed skillfully throughout the Letter. Let's try to read these passages with a little gusto people!!) The formalities thus out of the way, on with the Letter:
Holiday Greetings from South Fork, our 1/2 acre ranch here in Rowayton, CT. Kat is modeling for thr Ford agency and has been nominated to the New York Court of Appeals; Emma has been accepted early admission to Harvard, but declined in favor of a full golf scholarship to Boston College; Julia is the new Gerber Baby, and I, having turned down an invitation to appear on the $300 bill (too showy), was just awarded the Nobel Prize for All-Around Coolness and I just purchased the Guinness Corporation in a not-so-hostile takeover. The End. Happy Holidays everyone! I'll be here all wee! Tip your waitresses, they're working hard for you! Try the veal. (Wow, writing a Christmas Letter is easier than I thought.)
(Author's note: Kat was reading over my shoulder (or just woke me up - splitting hairs, really) and insisted that I correct a few minor inaccuracies in the Letter. The remainder of this Letter is therefore being written under protest. Nevertheless...)
On April 3rd, we welcomed beautiful Julia Elizabeth into our family. She is simply a joy - as gorgeous as her big sister Emma, with a wonderful personality and two of the biggest blue eyes you have ever seen. She is now eight months old(!) and looks just like her mother, Thank God. On May 16th, our beautiful Emma Grace turned two years old!! Watching her grow has to be top three in the Paul and Kat Pantheon of Great Moments. She is precocious, funny and smart and Mommy and Daddy (well, mostly Daddy) are looking at several convents that will take our girls in a two-for-one deal. Emma and Kat attend a pre-pre-school one day per week. Needless to say, with other kids to direct, and an endless supply of toys, paints, and other instruments of destruction, Emma LOVES school. Speaking of love, Julia pretty much worships the ground upon which Emma walks and Emma is the best big sister we could have hoped for. All in all, Kat and I are blessed with two great kids. I blame her.
Speaking of Kat, she in now a full time Mommy, having left the service of her law firm after Jules was born. Although the girls are quite a handful and her life is fairly hectic, she is having the time of her life. On June 1st, she turned 29 again and she is looking forward to turning 30 sometime in the coming years. I, of course, count my age only in moments and memories. As of this writing, I am 40 million moments and memories old (but I only feel about 38 million). In June, I took a new job as Senior Counsel of a pharmaceutical company based in Stamford, CT. It is a tremendous company and I absolutely love my job. It is also only about ten minutes from our house, so I've got that going for me...which is nice.
We took two wonderful trips in 2001: in August we took our annual summer trip to Nantucket Island with the Burns' and Cooks (I brought a non-pregnant wife and two kids, Brett Burns and Andrew Cook each brought a pregnent wife). We had fantastic weather and an increduble time! Thanks to the recent arrivals of Morgan Burns and Brendan and James Cook, we will have five kids in a beach house next year (yikes!). On October 12th Kat and I celebrated our 5th (!!) Anniversary in Nevis, West Indies, with our dear friends Ashley and Jim Ford, who we met on our Honeymoon in Nevis 'lo these many years ago. We golfed everyday, went to the beach everyday, ate too much, drank too much (especially Ashley) and generally had so much fun they finally had to ask us to leave the resort (not really, but man did we have fun!)
Well, that's all the time I have, you've been a great audience. We hope and pray this letter finds you all safe and healthy and happy. Happy Holidays and a wonderful 2002!
If you have received this in error, please disregard.
Holiday Greetings from South Fork, our 1/2 acre ranch here in Rowayton, CT. Kat is modeling for thr Ford agency and has been nominated to the New York Court of Appeals; Emma has been accepted early admission to Harvard, but declined in favor of a full golf scholarship to Boston College; Julia is the new Gerber Baby, and I, having turned down an invitation to appear on the $300 bill (too showy), was just awarded the Nobel Prize for All-Around Coolness and I just purchased the Guinness Corporation in a not-so-hostile takeover. The End. Happy Holidays everyone! I'll be here all wee! Tip your waitresses, they're working hard for you! Try the veal. (Wow, writing a Christmas Letter is easier than I thought.)
(Author's note: Kat was reading over my shoulder (or just woke me up - splitting hairs, really) and insisted that I correct a few minor inaccuracies in the Letter. The remainder of this Letter is therefore being written under protest. Nevertheless...)
On April 3rd, we welcomed beautiful Julia Elizabeth into our family. She is simply a joy - as gorgeous as her big sister Emma, with a wonderful personality and two of the biggest blue eyes you have ever seen. She is now eight months old(!) and looks just like her mother, Thank God. On May 16th, our beautiful Emma Grace turned two years old!! Watching her grow has to be top three in the Paul and Kat Pantheon of Great Moments. She is precocious, funny and smart and Mommy and Daddy (well, mostly Daddy) are looking at several convents that will take our girls in a two-for-one deal. Emma and Kat attend a pre-pre-school one day per week. Needless to say, with other kids to direct, and an endless supply of toys, paints, and other instruments of destruction, Emma LOVES school. Speaking of love, Julia pretty much worships the ground upon which Emma walks and Emma is the best big sister we could have hoped for. All in all, Kat and I are blessed with two great kids. I blame her.
Speaking of Kat, she in now a full time Mommy, having left the service of her law firm after Jules was born. Although the girls are quite a handful and her life is fairly hectic, she is having the time of her life. On June 1st, she turned 29 again and she is looking forward to turning 30 sometime in the coming years. I, of course, count my age only in moments and memories. As of this writing, I am 40 million moments and memories old (but I only feel about 38 million). In June, I took a new job as Senior Counsel of a pharmaceutical company based in Stamford, CT. It is a tremendous company and I absolutely love my job. It is also only about ten minutes from our house, so I've got that going for me...which is nice.
We took two wonderful trips in 2001: in August we took our annual summer trip to Nantucket Island with the Burns' and Cooks (I brought a non-pregnant wife and two kids, Brett Burns and Andrew Cook each brought a pregnent wife). We had fantastic weather and an increduble time! Thanks to the recent arrivals of Morgan Burns and Brendan and James Cook, we will have five kids in a beach house next year (yikes!). On October 12th Kat and I celebrated our 5th (!!) Anniversary in Nevis, West Indies, with our dear friends Ashley and Jim Ford, who we met on our Honeymoon in Nevis 'lo these many years ago. We golfed everyday, went to the beach everyday, ate too much, drank too much (especially Ashley) and generally had so much fun they finally had to ask us to leave the resort (not really, but man did we have fun!)
Well, that's all the time I have, you've been a great audience. We hope and pray this letter finds you all safe and healthy and happy. Happy Holidays and a wonderful 2002!
If you have received this in error, please disregard.
Christmas Letter 2002
Some comments on last year's Christmas Letter (hereinafter "Letter 2001"): "Mystical!" - Idaho Sun Times; "A dazzling performance!" - Sacramento Bee; "Hysterical! Laugh out loud funny!!" - Iowa City Yellow Pages; "I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats!" - A. Loyd Webber; "Spine-tingling, riveting, edge-of-your-seat action! Run, don't walk to the Christmas Letter!" - Architectual Digest; "We disagreed with the premise, so we didn't review it and won't print it." - New York Times; The Christmas Letter is a beacon of light to us all and indeed, may eventually bring about world peace." - P. Curtin (no relation).
Yes, its that time of year again - the Christmas Letter 2002! I had such a nice response to my Letter 2001, and I had so much fun writing it, that I thought I would give it another go. (If you did not receive a copy of the Letter 2001 and would like to read it, simply click here.) [Note to blog audience - that joke was much funnier when you were reading a paper copy of this letter, but while reading it on a computer, you could actually click on the link, so it doesn't seem as funny. Of course, since I don't know how to link to another article, nothing will happen when you click, so I guess its still kind of amuzing. But you can read the 2001 Letter on this blog]. Plus, as is the case with so many of you whom we love, like or feel a guitly pang to keep in touch with once a year, we are not able to see you and speak to you as often as we would like, so it does serve as a nice little update.
For those of you just tuning in, when we last left our hero, we explored the "bragging" Christmas Letter. This year, I have to take issue with another kind of Christmas letter that we'll call the "Therapy Letter". We have all received the Therapy Letter that someone writes, near as I can figure, because it is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist. In this wondrous season of peace and joy we are subject to eight pages of therapy notes on candy cane bordered paper: "I can't believe another year has gone by; where does the time go? With my gout acting up again, I'm not very mobile, so I'm doing all my shopping on the QVC shopping channel again. Herb's business is still in receivership, but he collected a settlement on his botched hernia operation, so we took a Disney cruise this year! Little Billy is seven now, and he has finally stopped kicking the dog. he loves school, and all the talk of the "glue incident" seems to have quieted. Sally is fifteen now and she's growing up too fast, but not so fast that she can be tried as an adult, thank goodness for that! Lastly, please remember our cat Fluffy in your prayers, as she is recovering from a recent accident. Who knew that a bug zapper could give off all that electricity?"
Fortunately, the Curtin family has been blessed this year and you'll receive no such news from us! The girls are great - Emma is a wonderful 3 and a half year old, going on 16! (Seriously. Its some sort of weird genetic thing. Fortunately, she'll be 4 the next year, but look out in 2005 when she's 11 and 38.) She is in a "3s" program and the Community Cooperative Nursery School and, as ususal, is having a ball! Julia is one and a half and about as cute as a child can be. She is starting to speak quite a bit now, but for a while there everything was pretty much a 'cow', because that's all she said all day long (maybe its all that red meat I ate growing up). They give us so much joy everyday, they ought to charge us a fee to be their Mommy and Daddy - its the greatest gig in the world. Kat celebrated the tenth anniversary of her 25th birthday this year. 35 came like a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. As if she wasn't busy enough chasing the girls around everyday and taking them to ballet, music and school, she is now running a fundraising art show for Emma's school. (any budding Van Goghs out there, send your paintings and ears to the address on the envelope). Kat also celebrated our sixth anniversary in October and, as usual, I celebrated the fact that she has a weak spot for a semi-intelligent, occasionally witty, overgrown adolescent who worships the ground she walks on. As for me, well, I turned Larry Bird this year (I don't have to tell anyone Larry Bird's jersey number, do I?), but I only feel Don Mattingly (see previous paranthetical). My job is great, my golf game isn't, and I spend waay too much time on the former and not nealry enough on the latter. As for the year's events, Kat and I took a fantastic trip to California for one of my Boston College rommates' (J.J.) wedding. The wedding was at a beautiful vineyard in Napa, so Kat and I went out a week early with another BC roommate, Mark Amorosi and his wife Sharon, and we toured San Francisco (stayed with our buddy H, had too much fun to be healthy); saw Kat's college roommate Robin and her husband Lux in Tiburon; toured Carmel, Big Sur, Napa and.....(drum roll please), Amo and I played Pebble Beach (Pebble freakin Beach!!!). Needless to say, it was unbelievable and i still get a jolt just writing about it (I shot 92 for those who care). It was a tremendous trip with very good friends and it was definitely the highlight of the year. The Burns, Curtins and Gormans also spent a week on Nantucket this year - an annual trip that gets better every year. We left the tab open at our favorite bar, The Rope Walk, in anticipation of being back next year. A Curtin family reunion rounded out the summer of fun, after which we were very content to hang out at home all Fall. We started planning a home expansion, so keep us in your prayers this coming year. If I survive the construction, its going to be a great home addition!
Well, that's all the time I have, you've been a great audience. We hope and pray this Letter finds you all safe, healthy and happy. Happy Holidays and a wonderful 2003!
Yes, its that time of year again - the Christmas Letter 2002! I had such a nice response to my Letter 2001, and I had so much fun writing it, that I thought I would give it another go. (If you did not receive a copy of the Letter 2001 and would like to read it, simply click here.) [Note to blog audience - that joke was much funnier when you were reading a paper copy of this letter, but while reading it on a computer, you could actually click on the link, so it doesn't seem as funny. Of course, since I don't know how to link to another article, nothing will happen when you click, so I guess its still kind of amuzing. But you can read the 2001 Letter on this blog]. Plus, as is the case with so many of you whom we love, like or feel a guitly pang to keep in touch with once a year, we are not able to see you and speak to you as often as we would like, so it does serve as a nice little update.
For those of you just tuning in, when we last left our hero, we explored the "bragging" Christmas Letter. This year, I have to take issue with another kind of Christmas letter that we'll call the "Therapy Letter". We have all received the Therapy Letter that someone writes, near as I can figure, because it is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist. In this wondrous season of peace and joy we are subject to eight pages of therapy notes on candy cane bordered paper: "I can't believe another year has gone by; where does the time go? With my gout acting up again, I'm not very mobile, so I'm doing all my shopping on the QVC shopping channel again. Herb's business is still in receivership, but he collected a settlement on his botched hernia operation, so we took a Disney cruise this year! Little Billy is seven now, and he has finally stopped kicking the dog. he loves school, and all the talk of the "glue incident" seems to have quieted. Sally is fifteen now and she's growing up too fast, but not so fast that she can be tried as an adult, thank goodness for that! Lastly, please remember our cat Fluffy in your prayers, as she is recovering from a recent accident. Who knew that a bug zapper could give off all that electricity?"
Fortunately, the Curtin family has been blessed this year and you'll receive no such news from us! The girls are great - Emma is a wonderful 3 and a half year old, going on 16! (Seriously. Its some sort of weird genetic thing. Fortunately, she'll be 4 the next year, but look out in 2005 when she's 11 and 38.) She is in a "3s" program and the Community Cooperative Nursery School and, as ususal, is having a ball! Julia is one and a half and about as cute as a child can be. She is starting to speak quite a bit now, but for a while there everything was pretty much a 'cow', because that's all she said all day long (maybe its all that red meat I ate growing up). They give us so much joy everyday, they ought to charge us a fee to be their Mommy and Daddy - its the greatest gig in the world. Kat celebrated the tenth anniversary of her 25th birthday this year. 35 came like a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. As if she wasn't busy enough chasing the girls around everyday and taking them to ballet, music and school, she is now running a fundraising art show for Emma's school. (any budding Van Goghs out there, send your paintings and ears to the address on the envelope). Kat also celebrated our sixth anniversary in October and, as usual, I celebrated the fact that she has a weak spot for a semi-intelligent, occasionally witty, overgrown adolescent who worships the ground she walks on. As for me, well, I turned Larry Bird this year (I don't have to tell anyone Larry Bird's jersey number, do I?), but I only feel Don Mattingly (see previous paranthetical). My job is great, my golf game isn't, and I spend waay too much time on the former and not nealry enough on the latter. As for the year's events, Kat and I took a fantastic trip to California for one of my Boston College rommates' (J.J.) wedding. The wedding was at a beautiful vineyard in Napa, so Kat and I went out a week early with another BC roommate, Mark Amorosi and his wife Sharon, and we toured San Francisco (stayed with our buddy H, had too much fun to be healthy); saw Kat's college roommate Robin and her husband Lux in Tiburon; toured Carmel, Big Sur, Napa and.....(drum roll please), Amo and I played Pebble Beach (Pebble freakin Beach!!!). Needless to say, it was unbelievable and i still get a jolt just writing about it (I shot 92 for those who care). It was a tremendous trip with very good friends and it was definitely the highlight of the year. The Burns, Curtins and Gormans also spent a week on Nantucket this year - an annual trip that gets better every year. We left the tab open at our favorite bar, The Rope Walk, in anticipation of being back next year. A Curtin family reunion rounded out the summer of fun, after which we were very content to hang out at home all Fall. We started planning a home expansion, so keep us in your prayers this coming year. If I survive the construction, its going to be a great home addition!
Well, that's all the time I have, you've been a great audience. We hope and pray this Letter finds you all safe, healthy and happy. Happy Holidays and a wonderful 2003!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)