Its Time to Arrest the Man in the Yellow Hat

So I was reading a Curious George book to my 3 year old the other night and it finally made perfect sense. No, not the inane book (side note: I loathe Curious George books, and I have never known why until now. Part of me felt guilty everytime I read them to my kids - who love the books - because I wouldn't "bring it", really sell the story with proper voicing, emphasis, dramatic pauses, you know, really sell the story), but the answer to why I have always hated reading Curious George books: The Man With the Yellow Hat is the biggest criminal on the planet and should be arrested. There I said it. OK, maybe I'm being a tad hyperbolic (ooo, nice SAT word, don't you think? I'm feeling very erudite right now! And we'll be back with Paul Finds a Thesaurus right after these commercial messages) when I say that he's the biggest criminal on the planet. I mean, that's obviously a tie between Rosie O'Donnell, Madonna and whoever invented Webkinz. But, TMWTYH (I can't type The Man With the Yellow Hat anymore. Well, after this one, I mean) is pretty high up the list. I mean, if Curious George books were written today, the author would have the ASPCA, child development experts, and social commentators ripping him (or her, I can't really remember who authored the books right now, but I suppose I could easily Google it and get right back to my point, but that seems like alot of effort for one lousy name that really has little bearing on this story right now right? Of course, in the time that it took me to type that explanation I could have Googled it and have been back to my original point instead of right here, making this very tangential [Thesaurus!!]comment. But I digress.) a new one. Now granted, most of those people are whiny reactionaries, but in this case, they would have a point. Take the story I recently read for example: "Curious George Gets a Bike". Seems like a heart warming tale, right? George gets a new bike for his birthday from TMWTYH, George is happy, all is well. But, no, because as soon as George unwraps the bike and is so excited he can hardly speak (well, he's a monkey and can't speak, but you catch my drift), that cruel bastard TMWTYH announces that he's leaving and tells George not to ride the bike until he gets back. OK, I have a huge problem with this on a million (hyperbolic) levels, but let me mention a few. First, what kind of sadist gives someone an awesome new present like a bike and then tells him he can't use it? How cruel is that?? Second, this is not the first Curious George book in the series, so TMWTYH has to know George is going to take off on the bike, endangering his life and the lives of those around him in the process. Not to get all legal on you or anything, but we lawyers call that mens rea from the Latin meaning "guilty mind". In other words, TMWTYH knew George had a predilection (oh man, I'm on a roll!!) for disobeying him, and yet he gives George a bike - a freaking mode of transportation for goodness sake!! - and tells George to stay put until he comes back. Why not give him a loaded gun or a syringe full of heroin, you heartless bastard? I'm sure Curious George and the Strung Out Bender would be a huge seller. And then, to cover his sorry ass, every time he find George has screwed up again, he acts all dumbfounded that this could possibly have occurred - "Gee, I didn't think that George would take his new bike and drive immediately into oncoming traffic. Who could have predicted that?" Well, I'm on to you, TMWTYH, and I will see you put behind bars if its the last thing I do.

The End of Arguments

I was watching a soccer match on tv the other day and it occurred to me that all of life's little arguments and disagreements can be avoided if we adapt the yellow card, red card penalties to real life situations. Everyone (and by 'everyone' I mean, of course, me and anyone that I choose to also be included) should be allowed to carry yellow cards and red cards to use in everyday situations. If someone is acting like a jerk, bang, you show them a yellow card and they are on notice that if they receive one more, they have to sit out of society for a day. If a person is commiting a flagrant no-no, the red card comes out immediately and the person is sent home. If I had these in college, how many unpleasant hook-ups could have been avoided - one of your drunk friends is about to hook up with an ugo, show them a yellow card and snap them back to reality. If you're on the beach, at the mall, in a bar (or let's face it, anywhere in public) and a morbidly obese woman is wearing a belly shirt, bikini, or short shorts, bang, red card - go home immediately. Or, if a really hairy, overweight guy shows up in a tank top, jean shorts or, God help us, speedo - bang red card and he's gone. How many of life's little unpleasantries would be wiped away? I really have to look into this...

Things That are Currently Bothering Me

Or is it, bothering me currently? Oh well, you know what I mean (and by "you" I mean "me" because I'm not really sure how many people are even reading this. Which reminds me, if anyone out there is reading this, well Hi, but let me apologize for not posting more frequently. I've decided that the hardest part about having a blog is finding the time to blog. Some of the blogs that I read just amaze me in that the authors seems to be able to fire out postings at an astonishing rate! But I'm going to continue to try to get better.) Anyhoo, on to the current topic at hand, which is things that are bothering me currently (eh, either way, I guess). Now I don't get mad very often - well certainly not drive-900-miles-in-a-diaper-and-try-to-kidnap-my-lover's-girlfriend kind of mad, but there are things that annoy me. Webkinz are currently at the top of my list - and if you don't have young kids, or if you've managed to avoid Webkinz if you do, consider yourself extremely lucky. These are little $10 stuffed animals which seems harmless enough since my kids have enough stuffed animals to start a Stuffed Invasion of a neighboring house (which would inevitably lead to a full-scale Stuffed War and cost hundreds of downy casualties, so its a good thing my kids, and their stuffed army are for household protection only - sort of like a stuffed state militia). But the Webkinz stuffed animals come with an id tag and a website that, once a child logs on, provides a whole world of Webkinz - virtual outfits, accessories, houses, games, money - it is like a cult! And every parent of a child in the 5-11 range is experiencing this rather unpleasant phenomenon where all our children want to do is go on the computer and play Webkinz. Whoever had this bright idea for a Webkinz world should be taken out and shot (or, if not shot, then at least strapped to a chair in front of a computer screen for a week straight while kids play Webkinz - that's actually worse than being shot; they'd be begging for someone to shoot them after a few hours).

You know what else bothers me - and this has actually bothered me for sometime now - bumperstickers. Yes, the pseudo-philosophy of the great unwashed; the pop-psychology of the brain dead masses. To any and all bumperstickerers out there, I'm only going to say this once, so pay attention: no one cares if you 'heart' your cat, dog, hampster, pet rock, tv remote, cookies, grandson, granddaughter, polka music, Irish music, or state. You are not tough because your car is protected by smith & wesson, or because you threaten to beat me up if I tailgate you. I don't care if your kid is an honor student, loves soccer, hates mean people or won a state championship. I never asked you - so please stop broadcasting that: you love Jesus, you love Mother Earth, you are against abortion, you are for abortion, you are a vegan, you love meat. I didn't ask you - and don't care to know - what your "other car" is. And your pithy little slogans that seem extremely deep to you, only serve to prove to me and everone who has the misfortune of driving behind you, that you are a certifiable moron who shouldn't be allowed to hold a drivers' license in the first place. Maybe I'll throw that on a bumper sticker and drive around for a while...