Entertainment Part Deux

I went to the Mall this weekend with my two younger daughters - I don't usually frequent malls, but I heard they had opened a new Chess King and I had to check out the latest fashion trends (actually, we were shopping for a birthday present and it was pouring rain, so I didn't want to get me and the kids soaked, so we opted for the covered-parking-garage Mall, rather than the 5000 square foot outdoor Toys-R-Us parking lot where the closest spot we would get on a Saturday is two spots to the left of my own driveway four miles away). Malls are an under-rated idea, don't you think? Take every cheesey store, throw them next to one another with 16 year old kids with attitudes working at each one, spice it up with ultra-fattening kiosks of glorified dog food, and voila! the most depressing place alive! (by the way, 'voila' may be spelled incorrectly - I looked it up but couldn't find it. For rant about said escapade, see two posts ago, I'm too tired to get into all that again.) But I will tell you what Malls are very useful for: entertaining two girls ages 6 and 3. How you might ask? (well, you might ask, but I kinda doubt it, but I'll tell you anyway). One word: escalators. Yes, these moving monuments to our lazy, entitled, overweight society can keep two little kids entertained for hours - and I do mean hours. I had to drag them out of the Mall after an hour and a half only after we rode each escalator in the place - ten or so, in all - about six times each. It was truly hilarious to watch them get so exited to ride up, down, one after another, running to the next one to ride again. (I mean, why did we spend all that money going to Disney World and for ski lessons - clearly Mall escalators are the true thrill-seekers' paradise). My three year old would stand at the base of one and summon up courage like she was about to bungee jump, while the six year old was practicing her jump off timing maneuver. It was ridiculously entertaining for me to watch them so entertained by something so simple (well, I suppose 'simple' is a bit of a stretch. I mean, its actually a pretty amazing invention and I have no freaking clue how they work, but everyone at the Mall must agree with me that they are pretty neat things because they get on them and just stand there, which is reason enough for me to live a quiet, weapon free existence. Because if I were armed, I may go postal on someone who gets on an escalator and just stands there instead of using them to increase the speed at which they travel. Escalator. Its in the freaking name!!! Its an escalator!!! Escalate! Cause to go faster! If you get on one of these fancy contraptions and continue to take steps, you go up faster! Moron!! But no, to most people, this is apparently not an escalator, but a personal lift valet where they can use modern technology to float them unassisted to their chosen destination. And don't get me started on those flat, escalator-like thingys in airports and such. How many times have you been at an airport comfortable ahead of your flight? Never, right? Its human nature to be rushed when flying. Whether its a late start or traffic or security lines, even if you were on-time, something made you rushed. But, when you need these flat escalators to help you make up a few precious minutes, you invariably run into a fellow traveler (the one with everything they own stuffed into one "small" carry on bag and one "small" purse) who has decided that the flat escalator is actually their personal magic carpet which they will ride leisurely to their gate. And its not like these are short trips; most of these people movers - ha! that's the phrase I was looking for, people movers - are quite lengthy. And do you know why that is? IT IS SO THAT YOU CAN COVER A LOT OF GROUND IN A SHORTER TIME FATASS!! OK, sorry about the fatass comment on this family blog, but, well, it had to be said. But, now I know why these people insist on ticking me off. they are not lazy, entitled morons; they are really just 6 and 3 year olds, who never really grew up.

Entertainment

This may be a sign I am getting older, but I don't understand some of the things that pass for entertainment anymore. And before this post (and, indeed, this blog) becomes a "crotchety old man rant about the world today" sort of thing, let me begin by saying that I have bungee jumped (and loved it). Wait, I just re-read that and I should back up: let me initially, first say that I am not crotchety - I am, of course fairly hip, with it, down with the kids, and super cool. Wait, I just re-read that and I should re-back up: let me primarily, initially, first say that I am most definitely not old (but that whole "super cool" thing may cause a few loyal readers to respectfully disagree). Anyhoo, I have bungee jumped, which was awesome, I love roller coasters, I golf, so you know, I'm not afraid to get my heart racing and all. Heck, if I didn't have kids I'd probably try sky-diving if I were drunk enough. But there are certain activities that just boggle my mind. Base jumping springs to mind: people who climb buildings, mountains, big bridges for the sole purpose of hurtling themselves off of them and trying to land safely. Now I know what you're asking yourself: "what the heck am I doing reading this inane blog; I have a million things I could be doing and yet here I am reading this drivel." (Well, just think of the self-loathing I have writing it!) No, you're likely saying to yourself, "wait Pablo (you know, because you're hip. After all, you're cool enough to be reading this blog, so you're probably thinking 'Pablo'), didn't you just say you'd try sky-diving? What's the difference?" Well, I'm glad you thought that because I would proffer - dictionary time people!! By the way, I just looked up 'proffer' because I originally had only one 'f' in it and it didn't look right, and this was the entire definition: verb; To offer. That's it??? If proffer means to offer, then why have an entirely different word than offer - you just added two letters to it!!! I thought I was going to find an elaborate definition, multiple uses, Latin origins - anything. Nope: to offer. I may be sick. No wonder every other non-English speaking citizen of the world hates to learn English! First they have to deal with things like their vs. there vs. they're. And raze (which means to knock down) vs. raise (which means to lift up). And ewe (sheep) vs. you (you). Things like that are bad enough. But then you have little Francois or Hans on Ming sitting in English class somewhere in the world and learning the word 'offer' and its definition. And somewhere down the line they'll learn the word 'proffer' and the teacher will say, "oh, it means the same as offer, but you have to add two letters to the beginning of it." Would they not be justified in beating the teacher over the head with the dictionary? Who invented this? I think I'll start my own language based on that premise: Pablovian. Its like English but different. Instead of saying "is" for example, to speak Pablovian, one would say "pris"; the word "and" would be "prand", and "or" would be "pror". "Proffer" would remain the same, of course and will hold a special place in my dictionary because it is the first official word of Pablovian. Wait right here, I have to update my resume to indicate that I am now bilingual...

OK, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yes, well, the difference between base jumping and skydiving is clearly the chance for survival. Sky diving takes you up several thousand feet (from what I understand) and when you jump, there usually aren't large buildings you have to, you know, avoid on the way down. And since you are several thousand feet in the air, you have a chance to check out the scenery, scream with exhilaration, calmly open your parachute and float blissfully toward a soft landing (unless the chute fails to open, in which case you would probably continue the whole "scream with exhilaration" thing for at least another little bit). But base jumpers are much closer to the ground when they jump, they have to open up their chutes immediately and hope they slow down in time to avoid becoming sidewalk art. No thank you.

Because scaring myself sh...witless (family blog) was never my idea of a good time. I still don't get horror movies or the people who go see them. Even the tv ads scare me. I just saw one for Saw 2 or something and I had nightmares for three days. How is wetting myself entertaining? I mean, sure it was funny when I was a kid and my parents had to change me, but what about after I was twelve? Then it became a bit less funny and a bit more prtragic and prsad prright?

And before I go, I have to add depressing books to this list. My wife reads these books all the time (I'm sure they're all on Oprah's Book Club or whatever) and I'll ask her what they are about and her answer is invariably: a homeless, abused, orphaned, peg legged, mute teenager struggles to find her voice and keep her sanity during the bubonic plague in Calcutta during India's war of independence from Britain. Ooooo, pass that one over to me when you're finished will you? Jeez, no wonder she and her girlfriends drink so much wine at book club; if I read books like that I'd need therapy. She gave me a book like that - "The Road" - for my birthday and I made the mistake of reading it on a recent business trip. Its about a father and young son who appeared to have survived a nuclear holocaust and their journey down a road to "the coast" (by the way, the mother survived too, but we discover she killed herself because she couldn't take living in this destroyed world - I wish I were making that up). Well, there was not enough alcohol on that Delta flight for me as I read this. I mean, it could end with them discovering a fully-operational naked Disney World on "the coast" and it couldn't bring me out of my funk. Who purposely reads this stuff? I remember taking a Dostoevsky course in college and he is a fantastic author, but if I read about one more starving orphan or banishment to Siberia, I'm going to lose it.

Maybe base jumpers are avid readers of Oprah Book Club books...