Vacation

You may or may not have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. We've had several trips in the last month (including two family reunions - hi relatives!) and with summer in full swing, my time to blog has been limited. But, we're back and better than ever! And speaking of back, I was driving back from upstate NY the other day (and just to clear up a popular misconception, I was north of Albany so I really was in upstate NY. I hate to get regional on you the blog viewer, but as an upstate New York native (Syracuse by birth, lived in Vorheesville, Lake Placid and Albany), one of my pet peeves is people in the New York City area who consider anything above the Bronx as "upstate". For example, I had a conversation at a party this summer with a woman who told me she was from upstate NY. And I got all excited because I love playing the name game and trying to find out if we've ever lived near one another. So I asked her where she was from and she said, 'Katonah'. After I finished laughing and fought off the urge to pour my beer on her, I regained my composure and politely informed her that unless there is a Kotonah that is a suburb of Rochester, Katonah is nowhere near upstate NY. Now, for those of you not from around here, let me put this in perspective: Katonah is in Westchester County. Roughly 25 miles northeast of New York City. From Katonah, you could drive to Connecticut in about 10 minutes. A commuter line to New York City runs through Katonah. Katonah is where Martha Stewart lives and she would last five minutes in upstate NY. There is nary a gun rack, domestic canned beer, snowblower, snowmobile, or pick up truck (with a crack in the windshield) within 120 miles of Katonah. So this woman is placing herself in the same 'upstate NY' category as say, a woman who lives in Messina, NY where it is so close to Canada you can spit across the boarder, or a person in Buffalo, NY who has to shovel 300 feet of snow off of their driveway - and then winter comes. So, for the record, let me establish that if you live close enough to New York City that you can say "the City" and people know you are talking about New York City, you do not live "upstate". My minimum upstate NY claimant: Albany, NY - and I will not argue about this, it is simply fact.)

Anyhoo, I was driving back from upstate NY and I pulled behind a minivan that had two Jesus fish on it. Even if you are not Christian, you can probably recognize a Jesus fish, basically an oval and triangle stick figure drawing of a fish. And because its been a while since you were in school, a little history lesson: during the time of Roman persecution, early Christians used the symbol to indicate that a Mass was being held at a particular location (the neon signs that they first favored often led them to a date with a lion or two in the Colosseum). But, even if I didn't recognize this particular symbol, the name of Jesus was written inside each of the ovals. And all of this is fine - if you are an avid reader of my blog you know my feelings about bumper stickers, but whatever, to each their own. But why two? I would think that one Jesus fish, especially if it included the name Jesus within it, would be enough to convey the message you are trying to convey. So does the first one establish your gravitas and the second one drives the point home? So you see the first one and think, "OK, this guy is a fan of Jesus, that's cool." And then you see the second one and I suppose you're meant to think, "Wow, now here is a driver of a 1988 Toyota Sierra that really, really, really, loves Jesus, because any idiot can have one Jesus fish, but when you have two, well, forget it, the guy is a walking saint. But where does it end? What if a guy in his neighborhood sees the two Jesus fish, but thinks that he is more devout that the owner of the Dos Jesus Minivan, so he runs out and puts a third Jesus fish. So now, Dos sees Tres and all of a sudden he can't see out his back window because he has a school of Jesus fish on it. Where does it end? (Actually, come to think of it, I bet that's how the Cold War started, but with missiles instead of Jesus fish). Can we just agree that one Jesus fish establishes your bona fides as a Christian? Can I get a ruling on this?

And speaking of unnecessary build-ups, I watched a lot of local weather lately due to the fact that I was hoping for good weather for our various trips (and by the way, isn't it a little redundant to call yourself the eyewitness news? We all know what newspeople do, so we don't have to spell it out do we? I don't hear anyone clamoring for a local, hearsay newscast. "Good evening, I'm Paul Curtin and here is what I heard a bunch of other news stations reporting..." Yes, I get it, you have cute news bunnies in Channel 5 windbreakers on the scene. Eyewitness - I understand).
Can we also settle on a Doppler number that all weathermen can agree on? I was watching more than one station and we got a Doppler 5000, a Doppler 7000, and something called an Accu-Weather Doppler (I think it was turbo charged with the premium leather heated seats, but I'm not sure). But despite what I am sure are huge Doppler Differences, they all seemed to come up with the same forecast, and remarkably, they were all almost right! I'm pretty sure the Doppler-makers are the same guys who manufacture razor blades because I keep getting bigger numbers of those too. It seems like only yesterday I was shaving with a single blade. Now, I have so many freaking blades on my razor that it looks like I'm shaving with a house shutter. I mean, how close a shave do you really need? ("Well, sure, I can get a pretty close shave with seven blades, but what if I want to take two or three layers of skin too?") Any more blades and I'll need to register it as a weapon! And thankfully it is usually a smooth shave, but have you ever cut yourself with one of those five blade puppies? It looks like a suicide attempt! There have to be overtired, or hungover, or jittery guys all over the world who are being hauled off to the psych ward by their fearful wives because they have to use a roll of toilet paper to staunch the bleeding from a razor nick! Enough! We need legislation! I'm thinking three blades have to give you a sufficiently close shave, any thing after that, I'm calling the police - or better yet, the local eyewitness news.