Its Time to Arrest the Man in the Yellow Hat

So I was reading a Curious George book to my 3 year old the other night and it finally made perfect sense. No, not the inane book (side note: I loathe Curious George books, and I have never known why until now. Part of me felt guilty everytime I read them to my kids - who love the books - because I wouldn't "bring it", really sell the story with proper voicing, emphasis, dramatic pauses, you know, really sell the story), but the answer to why I have always hated reading Curious George books: The Man With the Yellow Hat is the biggest criminal on the planet and should be arrested. There I said it. OK, maybe I'm being a tad hyperbolic (ooo, nice SAT word, don't you think? I'm feeling very erudite right now! And we'll be back with Paul Finds a Thesaurus right after these commercial messages) when I say that he's the biggest criminal on the planet. I mean, that's obviously a tie between Rosie O'Donnell, Madonna and whoever invented Webkinz. But, TMWTYH (I can't type The Man With the Yellow Hat anymore. Well, after this one, I mean) is pretty high up the list. I mean, if Curious George books were written today, the author would have the ASPCA, child development experts, and social commentators ripping him (or her, I can't really remember who authored the books right now, but I suppose I could easily Google it and get right back to my point, but that seems like alot of effort for one lousy name that really has little bearing on this story right now right? Of course, in the time that it took me to type that explanation I could have Googled it and have been back to my original point instead of right here, making this very tangential [Thesaurus!!]comment. But I digress.) a new one. Now granted, most of those people are whiny reactionaries, but in this case, they would have a point. Take the story I recently read for example: "Curious George Gets a Bike". Seems like a heart warming tale, right? George gets a new bike for his birthday from TMWTYH, George is happy, all is well. But, no, because as soon as George unwraps the bike and is so excited he can hardly speak (well, he's a monkey and can't speak, but you catch my drift), that cruel bastard TMWTYH announces that he's leaving and tells George not to ride the bike until he gets back. OK, I have a huge problem with this on a million (hyperbolic) levels, but let me mention a few. First, what kind of sadist gives someone an awesome new present like a bike and then tells him he can't use it? How cruel is that?? Second, this is not the first Curious George book in the series, so TMWTYH has to know George is going to take off on the bike, endangering his life and the lives of those around him in the process. Not to get all legal on you or anything, but we lawyers call that mens rea from the Latin meaning "guilty mind". In other words, TMWTYH knew George had a predilection (oh man, I'm on a roll!!) for disobeying him, and yet he gives George a bike - a freaking mode of transportation for goodness sake!! - and tells George to stay put until he comes back. Why not give him a loaded gun or a syringe full of heroin, you heartless bastard? I'm sure Curious George and the Strung Out Bender would be a huge seller. And then, to cover his sorry ass, every time he find George has screwed up again, he acts all dumbfounded that this could possibly have occurred - "Gee, I didn't think that George would take his new bike and drive immediately into oncoming traffic. Who could have predicted that?" Well, I'm on to you, TMWTYH, and I will see you put behind bars if its the last thing I do.