Christmas Letter 2004

Merry Christmas everybody! and welcome back to world-famous Curtin Clan Arena (the "Big Convent") in Rowayton, Connecticut. I'm Albert T. Fish (Al the Fish) and I'm coming to you live from the kitchen counter. I'm joined by some shiny rocks, a plastic green plant, and several accidentally-spilled drops of Guinness (which brings new meaning to the word "tanked"!). For the next fifteen minutes we'll take you through the highlights of the latest exciting match in the ongoing Household Championship between the defending champions, the Curtin Girls (Emma, Julia and Annie) and the overmatched, overworked, utterly outclassed Curtin Parents (Kat and Paul). As you can imagine, the 2004 match was not much of a contest, as the Curtin girls continue to have their way with Kat and Paul in this increasingly one-sided contest. And, as the fake green plant is fond of saying, "Its not likely to get any better for the Parents anytime soon." How true plant boy, how true. I've said it for months now folks, but I have to again question the tactics of the Parents when, after clearly being outplayed by Emma and Julia in 2001, 2002, and 2003, they continued to dig themselves deeper into trouble by adding Anne Bashlow Curtin (Annie) to the Girls' roster on March 10th. In fact, the Parents haven't won one of these matches since way back in 1999 when Emma was a new born. (The 2000 match, you will recall, ended in a controversial draw when Kat and Paul successfully took 18-month old Emma to Ireland for ten days. The judges awarded a draw despite Emma throwing up twice in the rental car and not sitting down once during the 8-hour flight home. The award of a tie was a travesty that some have compared to the USA-USSR gold medal basketball game in 1972 and, like the Americans of that team, Emma has still not picked up her medal). But I digress.

Back here in march 2004, i'm here to tell you that I nearly breathed oxygen when I saw that adorable little Annie come through the front door. And it only took one look at the love the Parents had for beautiful Annie that I knew she was going to be another stellar player in the Girls' already All Star-laden lineup. The Parents are now forced to play a containment zone rather than the man-to-man defense that at least gave them a fighting chance against Emma and Julia. But talk about dominating from the get-go, Annie has taken Kat out from the opening tip with a dizzying array of cute moves, topped off by saying Ma-Ma as her first words; Kat never stood a chance. She is only a rookie, but she is playing like a seasoned veteran. She's listed at 32" tall, but she plays much smaller than that, which she uses to her advantage by disappearing under tables and crawling out of the room while the older Girls distract the Parents. In fact, recently, she crawled out of her highchair and jumped (well, fell) to the floor in a highlight film move. (Just a classic blunder by the Parents, which reminds me of something my mentor Jimmy "the Flying Guppy" Gupperman told me a long time ago: never play poker with a guy named after a city, never fight a land war in Asia, and never turn your back on a nine month old!)

With Annie handling Kat, this left Paul at the mercy of the older Girls' double team - just a laughable mismatch. Emma, now five and a half, plays the game like a girl twice her age. She is in Kindergarten now and loves it - and she induced the first medical timeout of this match when she told Paul that she liked to chase and kiss the boys on the playground after school. (Paul was taken off the field on a stretcher and had to be revived with smelling salts.) Emma is clearly the brains of the team, constantly asking questions as she learns to spell and read, constantly talking from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep, playing soccer and basketball and doing gymnastics and swimming lessons - just a textbook example of how to wear our her Parents. She even learned to ride a two-wheel bike this year to make herself that much harder to catch!

Little Julia (now three and a half), on the other hand, is a much more deliberate player. She lulls the Parents into a false sense of security because she is content to play with her dollies or read a book quietly to herself, or color at the table, but as soon as they look away, BAM!!, she is heading for the good furniture with a fist full of melting chocolate chip cookies. Julia is all girl, as she insists on wearing dresses and skirts, and thinks pants are the spawn of satan. She attends nursery school where she loves to play dress up and she also takes ballet with her friends Charlotte and Bea. As the old saying goes, Julia dances as if nobody is watching, and in a world full of followers, she is remarkably self-assured and content to do things her own way.

Let's throw it down to my colleague on the floor, Dust Bunny, for a live update from the Parents' locker room. Dusty? "Thanks Al. I'm standing just outside the Parents locker room and, as you can imagine, its pretty quiet in there. Paul is hooked up to an IV of Guinness and is pleading with Kat to keep the pressure on the Girls in 2005. The girls just ran over him in 2004 and they are poised to do the same next year. He is ever the optimist, but the Parents will start 2005 at a distinct disadvantage since Paul will be serving an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for suggesting that they medicate the Girls, while Kat is serving a two-day suspension for going into the stands after a heckler who suggested that she have a fourth child. Meanwhile Kat will once again Chair an Art Show fundraiser in 2005, and plays a little tennis in the precious moments between Girl events, so she remains a multi-tasking machine. In short, they stand no chance in 2005. Back to you Al."

Thanks Dusty. Well, that's all the time we have folks. We'll send it out to the field for the start of the 2005 match right after this commercial message from the Curtin Christmas Letter - the only Christmas Letter with a fresh lemon scent.