Let the Games Begin

The Summer Olympics are about to start in Beijing, China and I could not be more excited (well, I could be more excited if these were the Winter Olympics - I lived in Lake Placid and attended the 1980 Winter Olympics, so I am biased). I am a big fan of the Olympics, and I am definitely one of those people who is glued to the tv for the two weeks of coverage. They have lost a little something for me since the Cold War ended (there doesn't seem to be the same us vs. them, democracy vs. communism, good vs. evil mentality that gave the Olympics of my youth so much cache, but since I'm a bigger fan of world peace than I am the Olympics, we'll chalk that up as a sacrifice worth making). And they have also lost a little something since professional athletes are permitted to compete (we'll never have another Miracle on Ice moment again, no matter how much NBC wants to shove the possibility down our throats every four years).

But, all in all, I am still a big fan - I enjoy learning about the host city and the athlete stories, which are always compelling. But to truly enjoy the Olympic watching experience, I need three things: 1) a sport I have barely heard of and know next to nothing about; 2) subjective judging; and 3) a useless, hopelessly misguided opinion about said sport. because there is no better way to spend two weeks every four years than pontificating about sports I know nothing about. Come on, don't you love that? That is easily the best part of the Olympics - watching say, diving, and becoming an instant critic/commentator/judge. During the three years and 50 weeks between Olympic competitions I know three things about diving: it involves a diving board (or platform if you want to get technical), you land in water, and you try not to make a splash. That's what I know. On top of that, I am a particularly lousy diver - I can't do a twist, a flip, or a backward dive - hell, I can barely pull off a reasonable cannonball - but during the two weeks of the Olympics, this is a fair assessment of my reaction during the Olympic diving competition: "Oh my God what a lousy pike, she'll lose points for that for sure! And that inward one and a half - pathetic." Isn't that the best?! And I know I'm far from alone - if it is a subjective competition, everyone who watches is going to have an (useless) opinion. Watching the running or swimming sports is too easy, the guy who runs or swims the fastest wins - where's the fun in that for the viewer? No sir, give me the 40 pound fourteen year old on the balance beam, or the Chinese diver who can spin and flip 812 times before hitting the water like a raindrop, because then i get to be a judge too.

The one trend I am not liking with Olympics is the invasion of sports I actually follow (or have at least heard of). Where is the fun in that? The Olympic experience is not about tennis, softball, baseball, and soccer. These are sports with professional leagues, they do not need the Olympics to survive. And we watch them all the time - what in the world is the difference between U.S. Open tennis and Olympic tennis? Nothing. To be a true Olympic sport, it has to be one of two things A) obscure to the point of ridiculousness (is that a word?), or B) a 'lon sport.

Sports that qualify under the former include any activity where your reaction the first time it was described to you was - "What?! That's a sport?? You're kidding?" Examples of which include synchronized swimming, synchronized diving (synchronized anything really), rhythmic gymnastics, bobsled, luge, and ice dancing. these are the sports that depend on the Olympics for their existence because no one is going to pay attention to them otherwise. And it also gives obscure champions of said sports a paycheck for two weeks every four years because who the heck else is going to accurately describe what just happened? "Good evening, and welcome to NBC's continuing Olympic coverage of synchronized swimming. I'm your host, Chet Hardguy, and I'm joined by three-time National Synchronized Swimming Champion Sally Loser, who is on leave from her job as a Duluth YMCA swimming director to explain just what the hell is going on here."

Sports that qualify under the latter need no introduction because they are the heart and soul of any Olympics - your 'lon sports: decathlon, heptathlon, biathlon, pentathlon. What could possibly be better than combining random sports into the same competition and watching the results. "have an idea, let's go cross-country ski twenty miles and fire guns at targets!" "No wait, let's throw a cannonball, jump over hurdles, try to leap over a big bar, see who can jump the farthest, and run a half marathon!" "You guys are idiots! Let's do all that, but also throw a giant spear and take a stick as long as a bus and hurl ourselves over a really, really high bar!" "Well, you guys can do what you want, but I am going to do ten really obscure things, I am going to do none of them very well, and when I'm done, I will declare myself the greatest athlete alive!!"

Man, I love the Olympics!